Most people are sexually incompatible…
Sexual incompatibility refers to a mismatch between partners in terms of their sexual needs, preferences, desires, or comfort levels. This can include differences in libido, preferred frequency of sex, types of sexual activities, or even emotional and physical intimacy levels.
The thing is, MOST PEOPLE ARE SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE IN SOME WAY!!!
Read that again…
MOST PEOPLE ARE SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE!
The rom-com fantasy of romantic “chemistry” automatically leading to satisfying sex without any communication or planning has a lot to do with the biology of new relationship energy, and is not a reasonable expectation in long term relationships.
2. What are Some Issues People Often Mistake for Sexual Incompatibility?
One partner consistently wants sex more frequently than the other.
Disagreements over sexual activities or preferences, such as experimenting with certain fantasies or positions.
Lack of emotional connection during intimate moments.
Feeling like your needs are not being met or not understanding your partner's sexual needs.
These are normal/typical DIFFERENCES that don’t necessarily have to mean you and your partner are not compatible.
For example, it’s very common for one partner to enjoy spontaneous, adventurous sex, while the other prefers planned, more intimate moments. These differences can be addressed and creatively negotiated around when you take the time to communicate on a deeper level and understand each other better.
3. It is Typical for Most Long Term Couples to Experience:
Differing Libidos: Some people have higher or lower sex drives naturally, creating an imbalance.
Emotional Intimacy: Emotional disconnect can lead to a lack of desire for physical intimacy, even if the couple once had strong sexual chemistry.
Cultural or Religious Beliefs Causing Tension: Expectations around sex based on upbringing or beliefs can lead to clashes.
Trauma or Past Experiences: Individuals who have experienced sexual trauma may have difficulty engaging in certain sexual acts, leading to sexual stress.
Life Changes: Major life events like childbirth, illness, or job stress can shift a person's sexual needs or desires.
4. Communication and Relationship Strategies for Dealing with Sexual Issues
The foundation for addressing sexual incompatibility is open, honest communication. Here are some strategies to navigate these challenges:
Create a Safe Space: Encourage your partner to express their desires and concerns without judgment.
Practice Empathy: Try to understand your partner’s feelings and why they may have different needs or preferences.
Experiment Together: If both partners are open, trying new things in the bedroom may help find common ground.
Non-Sexual Intimacy: Strengthening emotional and physical bonds outside of sex (cuddling, kissing, spending quality time) can enhance sexual connection.
Compromise: Find ways to meet each other halfway. For example, if one partner has a higher libido, they might initiate intimacy in ways that feel comfortable to the other partner, such as requesting to practice mutual masturbation rather than intercourse.
5. Can Sexual Incompatibility Be Overcome?
In many cases, sexual “incompatibility” can be addressed and improved, especially when both partners are willing to work on it. Open communication, experimentation, and patience can often help resolve differences over time.
In therapy, we work to explore sexual identity and expression on a deeper level, so communication is opened and more possible solutions become available.
In less common situations, some couples may always struggle with certain incompatibilities, especially if the core issue involves deep-seated preferences or needs such as someone who has a kink or fetish that is central to their sexuality, and a partner is unable or unwilling to participate in it. In such cases, the couple may ultimately decide whether these differences are deal-breakers or whether they can find other ways to sustain the relationship, such as opening up.
A sex therapist can help hold space for these kinds of difficult conversations, and help you improve communication, and work through blocks to intimacy in your relationship(s).