Look at the whole system, not just the individual

It’s not possible that your entire family is functioning just fine, and the issues that come up are one family member’s “fault.”

The person with the symptoms is just the smoke from a fire that the whole system participates in maintaining.

In such an individualistic culture, we love to play the blame game. 

We love to identify the person who is “the problem” in the family. 

Yes, one family member may be actively making poor choices, abusive, etc. 

This is nuanced folks. Stay with me.

The thing is, the family is a functioning SYSTEM. 

One member of the family may be the loudest, the messiest, or the most reactive, but they are never the sole cause of turmoil. 

The turmoil is MAINTAINED by the whole system. 

How we act and react becomes patterns…a feedback loop that maintains said patterns. 

I say all this not to encourage victim blaming, but to help you get curious. If we stop looking at the “identified patient” and get curious about the whole system, there may be a lot more solutions than initially meets the eye.

Here are some reflection questions to get you thinking about the system and culture of your family:

How does my family deal with secrets?

How do we help or hinder each other from pursuing the things we’re interested in?

How does one earn or break trust in my family?

How does my family apologize or take accountability for themselves?

What happens when someone is in pain? How is space held (or not) for that person?

How is anger expressed in my family?

How is power distributed in my family? Is everyone’s needs and opinions important?

If one person in the family is a “problem,” it may be worth exploring how each family member participates in maintaining said “problem.” If we can’t change others, how do we need to change ourselves to shift the system into something healthier and more sustainable?